saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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