I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
