Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
