I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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