one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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