You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
