you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
