i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
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just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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