Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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