Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
