Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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