i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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