Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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