Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
