Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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