You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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