she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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