I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
