I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
40s are totally the cure
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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