I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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