The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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