i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
