Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
