The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
