She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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