I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
