what day is it and did you see me today?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My life is pants optional.
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