So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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