I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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