fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
