I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
