if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
