I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
