Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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