how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
