someone threw a dead crab at me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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