Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
