I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
