I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I puked a lego.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
