where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
