you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
