my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
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If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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