how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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