If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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