He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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