You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
FUCK WHALES
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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