Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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