i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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