between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
