oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
