he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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