Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
