i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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