I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
