Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
