stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
