I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
