i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
