peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
