So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
should my penis look like a turkey
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
