Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
