If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
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they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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