Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
